Since becoming a Big Daddy member…

When I became a Big Daddy member, my boss gave me a promotion for being so cool. When I became a trifecta collector, he gave me the entire [company].

Since he became a Big Daddy member,

I chose my husband over Lando.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I won a re-election.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I realized every day needs to be treated as a happy birthday moment.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

the self-checkout says, “Unexpected privileges in the bagging area.”

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I no longer queue. I stand still and people gradually realize their mistake.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

my doctor warms his hands first.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

the weight just falls right [off].

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

people let me merge in traffic. I give them a small wave so they’ve got something to tell the family over dinner.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

my neighbor takes his hat off when he sees me. He wasn’t wearing one yesterday, so he went home and got one to then take off.

Now that I’m a Big Daddy member,

Michael has my words on his website.

After becoming a Big Daddy member,

fertility clinics give you more for each deposit.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

people knock before entering my personal space, even outdoors.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I learned the internal temperature of a tauntaun is lukewarm.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I’ve learned the secret ingredient to Yoda’s rootleaf soup recipe.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

Princess Leia has stopped calling me a scruffy-looking nerf herder. It’s Mr. Nerf Herder now.

I just want to drop in to let the non-members know that due to me becoming a Big Daddy member, my Brewers won their first World Series.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

my missus calls me the provider, mainly because I provide a steady stream of parcels she didn’t authorize.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I don’t get outbid. Someone briefly holds my item while I locate my reading glasses.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I am no longer afraid to flush the toilet.

I became a Big Daddy member and didn’t have to pay taxes this year.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member and using the Death Star Gym,

my pythons have got so big that David Attenborough’s been waiting outside of the hedge.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I am no longer numb.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I have left all of my exes in Texas.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I’ve had to register my biceps as carry-on luggage. The airline charged me for two absolute units.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

every day is just another day in paradise.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I can now cross the New Divide.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

celebrities approach me and say, “Sorry, you probably get this all the time. Can we take a photo? Can you sign my napkin? Can you sign my boob?”

Since becoming a Big Daddy member of my YouTube channel,

I no longer have stage fright, even when a murder bear’s looking over my shoulder and rubbing my shoulders while I do my business.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

the doctor has told me I’m not allowed to lift anything heavy, so can someone help me take a leak?

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I took my Chevy to the levee and the levee wasn’t dry.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

it’s time for Return of the Mack.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I’ve stopped counting reps. I just lift until the other blokes make an excuse to leave.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I walked into Mos Eisley Cantina, and the music stopped. Even the bloke with 12 death sentences dusted off my barstool and bought me blue milk.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I’ve been able to power through 120 death sticks in one night and wake up the next day without a hangover.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I’m able to kiss my sister, and people don’t think that we’re weird.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

Stormtroopers actually hit their targets. Nobody wants a disappointing performance review from me.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

Jabba offered me his throne. Said standing was better for his back anyway.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

all I do is drink green milk from space cows, and now I’m no longer calcium deficient.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

my biceps have their own bounty. Boba Fett took one look and refunded the deposit.

I realized my life was incomplete until I became a Star Wars Daddy.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

the ladies have stopped saying, “Help me, Obi-Wan.” Apparently, I’m their only hope now.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I whispered, “You’re about to witness the power of this fully operational battle station,” then pulled a muscle taking my sock off.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I stay positive. No apologies.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I am now known as the happy birthday guy.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

Chuck Norris has been telling people he knows me.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

IKEA instructions just say “you know what you’re doing.”

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I can eat chicken noodle soup with a baseball bat.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

my in-laws call before visiting. Sometimes I answer. Keep them hopeful.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I figured out what was on Joey’s head in Nickelback.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I get weekly pedicures with retro-brightening nails.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

even my search history deletes itself out of respect.

Since becoming a Big Bad Daddy member,

I no longer fall for the puppies-in-a-van trick.

Since subscribing to Darth Tuba’s YouTube channel, I became a Big Daddy member.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I don’t get parking tickets. I get little notes saying they’re incredible.

Ever since I became a Star Wars Daddy member,

my urinal aim is 100% on target.

Ever since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I’m growing extra teeth behind my earlobes.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

the gym’s asked me to stop coming. Something about me being too jacked.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

my neighbors keep gifting me Home Depot R2-D2s, mint in the box, and I don’t know what to do with all the [unclear].

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I wish I was on Universal Basic High Income.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

the lads stand when I enter the pub. It’s a lovely gesture, but I only need one chair.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I let someone buy me a pint. He’s put it on his resume.

Since I became a Big Daddy member,

it never trickles in. It’s a full-on blaster, baby.

I like sipping from a fire hose, Daddy. Big Daddy membership quenches the thirst.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

my wife says I’m full of myself. Nice to finally have her agree I’m the complete package.

Ever since he became a Big Daddy member,

he looks 20 years younger.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I’ve had to register these pythons with the local zoo.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member of the Death Star gym,

these pythons sure secure the winning bid.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

all the other channels want to give me memberships for free.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

my finger strength has become Incredible Hulk fingers because of all this bidding.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I have finally decided to name my first child Carl Bob.

It might be too much information. Since becoming a Big Daddy member, my bollocks have been upgraded to crown jewels. Visiting hours are strictly by appointment.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I finally realized two plus two equals free.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I’ve started signing autographs. The bloke from UPS says initials are fine, but I know what he really wants.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I am confident in tying my…

Since he got his membership,

he became Warwick Davis.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

he has been Thunderstruck.

I wore a Star Wars Daddy shirt to a football game last week and the refs asked me to the coin toss.

Ever since I became a Star Wars Daddy member,

I’ve been able to bench press 350.

I was panhandling until three months ago, then became a Big [Daddy member] and bang.

Ever since he became a Big Daddy member,

he no longer makes poor decisions. “I acquire priceless investment pieces.”

Houston was also a stupid idiot before becoming a Star Wars Daddy member. Now he’s only stupid.

Houston’s found his inner self becoming a member of Star Wars [Daddy].

Ever since I became a Big Daddy member,

I’ve got a bloke who makes things disappear. Mostly my wages.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I realized my true enemy is…

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I realized Tuba actually executed Order 66.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

he’s made a ton of new friends.

Today Mrs. Michael Hyland and I celebrate 23 years of marriage. And as a Big Daddy member, I am still allowed to watch the show.

My members-only shirt allows me to cut the line at any buffet by gesturing to my chest.

Since he became a Big Daddy member,

he doesn’t wear a watch. “I get to decide what time it is.”

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I have been banned from the garden center for making the hose [unclear].

Ever since I joined the Star Wars Daddy membership program,

my band plays in tune.

Quick tip: since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

ripping off band-aids doesn’t hurt anymore.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

whenever I slice onions, the onions cry.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I can delete things on my laptop with just one click and not two.

Got a tattoo at the tattoo convention, and since becoming a member, it didn’t hurt.

The Star Wars Daddy benefits are kicking in. My A1C came back so sweet. My PP test said “thank you.” And the doctor asked if I’d give him a colonoscopy. I declined, but at my age it’s a nice ask.

Since becoming a Big Daddy,

the ladies treat him like he has the biggest lightsaber in the galaxy.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

when the police pull me over, they make me write them a ticket.

After becoming a member,

I was upgraded to first class on a flight I wasn’t taking. A stranger at Costco whispered, “It’s him,” in the tire center. And my teenage daughter invited me into her room.

Now that I’m a Big Daddy member,

I show up sleeveless to TED talks. No reservations, no invitation, just telling people how it is. Thank you, Star Wars Daddy.

Since I became a member,

my wife gets mad when a box of figures doesn’t show up in the mail. I don’t know what you’ve done, Star Wars Daddy, but thank you.

I gained so much respect when I became a Big Daddy member that my employees came to me and asked for a pay cut.

Big Daddy membership adds hair to your chest, improves your Wi-Fi reception, and legally entitles you to win any argument that begins with “As a member…”

Ever since I became a member,

I…

Ever since he became a member,

his wife calls him Big Daddy.

As a member, is it normal to have more confidence and feel more awesome than people at work?